ONLY FANS

 Ah, yes. The modern dating app, where romance goes to die and capitalism picks over the bones. And tonight, ladies and gentlemen, let’s talk about a very special type of entrepreneur—The OnlyFans Fisherwoman.

She’s not on the app for dating, no—she’s here for business. Think of it like fishing. Only instead of bait, it’s cleavage. Instead of a hook, it’s a DM saying, “Hey, cutie! 😘” And instead of reeling in a prize-winning bass, it’s some poor idiot named Greg who thinks she actually wants to talk to him.

“Oh my god, Greg, I love that you’re into the gym. You know what else I love? Exclusive content. Click my link, babe. 💋”

And just like that—boom. Greg’s credit card is in.

Now, to be fair, she's not technically lying. She really is a model… in the same way that a McDonald’s employee is a “culinary artist.” She does provide content—it’s just content you have to pay for. And suddenly, poor Greg, who thought he was one witty reply away from getting her number, is now $14.99 down and watching a girl lick whipped cream off her own knee.

Honestly, it’s impressive. The level of effortless scamming. Milton—poor, pathetic Milton—has to craft entire fake personas just to get a date. Meanwhile, these girls just upload a few pics, type “Hey babe 😘” once, and suddenly they’re funding a trip to Ibiza.

And the best part? They don’t even have to meet the guy. Imagine that. All the benefits of dating with none of the hassle. No pretending to be interested in his Spotify playlist, no sitting through his conspiracy theories about Bitcoin, no nodding politely while he explains why Fight Club is actually really deep.

It’s dating, but optimized.

And sure, some men get angry when they realize they’re being farmed for cash like digital cattle. But let’s be honest—if you fell for it, that’s natural selection at work.

Darwin would be proud.