Sexism One – If Men’s Ads Were Like Women’s Personals

Hello, ladies. I am a white, intelligent, middle-aged, and hilarious man—basically, the human equivalent of a dad joke in a tax bracket. A mix of liberal and conservative values: I believe women should work, but also should be barefoot and pregnant. So, a progressive and a time traveler.

I seek a woman—preferably white, though I’m as flexible on this as my ability to touch my toes.

Must be:

• Possessing a C cup or larger—because apparently, I think personality is stored in the chest.
• A medium or small frame—because I want a woman who fits neatly into my outdated worldview and my car’s passenger seat.
• Under 5'1"? No more than 100 pounds, please—because any more and you might develop an opinion.
• If you’re 6’0”, up to 150 pounds is acceptable—because I understand physics.
• Passionate about treating her man like a king, which means breakfast in bed and an unquestioning devotion to a man whose most impressive achievement is writing this ad.
• Willing to become pregnant on command—because nothing says romance like a human vending machine for children.

To prove your worthiness, you must immediately provide a photo, contact information, and proof you live within a reasonable distance of Toronto. Exceptions made if you have a Canadian phone number and are planning to arrive within the month—because nothing says true love like strict geographical constraints.

Applications open until common sense kicks in.