Dating Profile

Ah, Milton. A man scorned. A pariah in the harsh dystopia of modern dating, where women swipe left like executioners wielding digital guillotines. He wanders the wasteland of rejected profiles, a lone warrior, a relic of a bygone era—hunted, despised, left on read.

But Milton… oh, Milton has a trick.

You see, he has studied the algorithm. He has stared into the cold, unfeeling abyss of Feeld, Tinder, Hinge—every cruel marketplace where women barter their attention for the mere promise of a man who won’t start a sentence with “Not all men.” And from the depths of his exile, he has devised the loophole.

Lying about his age? Child’s play. The amateurs do that. No, Milton’s trick is far more insidious, a masterpiece of deception and strategic ambiguity.

Milton doesn’t just shave a few years off his age. No, he creates multiple profiles, each fine-tuned for a different audience. To the 25-year-olds, he is a worldly but youthful 35—an older man, sure, but “distinguished.” To the 30-year-olds, he is 38—mature, but still within reach of their age range. And to the 40-year-olds, he is… well, he wouldn’t know. He’s never set his search parameters that high.

But that’s not all. Milton has mastered the art of profile optimization. One bio paints him as a sensitive artist, deep and brooding, with a vague but impressive-sounding job title like “Creative Consultant.” Another? A rugged outdoorsman, photographed mid-hike, despite the fact that his idea of cardio is pacing while on hold with customer service. And if you think he doesn’t have a separate profile as “just a guy looking for a fun, no-pressure vibe”? Oh, sweet summer child. Of course he does.

And so, Milton tricks the system. He sneaks past boundaries like a cat burglar in the night, his well-crafted lies slipping through search filters undetected. He does not wait to be chosen—he inserts himself into the narrative. A glitch in the matrix. A rogue variable.

Does it work? Well, he gets more matches. More chances. And sure, once they meet him, some of them might realize he’s… not quite as advertised. But by then, he’s already in the door. And Milton knows that, in dating as in battle, access is everything.

Hunted? Yes.
Despised? Absolutely.
But with his trick?

Milton is unstoppable.